You are here

Selected Legends of the Prettiest Star

Helen Bowell

after W. Todd Kaneko and David Bowie


Angie Bowie was the first woman 

in interstellar space. When she left 

Earth’s orbit, she could be heard to say: 

Faith can only take you so far /

Look Zowie, mummy can fly / 

I’m never coming back.


Angie once slept for forty days and forty nights. 

When she woke, it was 1969

and her first husband was singing this love song

by way of proposal.


On her mother’s side, Angie Bowie 

is the great-great-great-granddaughter

of Aphrodite. As such, she has the power

to grant favour in love, though is cursed 

to have no control over her own fate. 

On her father’s side, she is descended 

from electric eels: hence everything else.


Angie Bowie comes from an ancient tribe 

of Europeans that doesn’t sleep. 

That’s how she had so much 

sex in the seventies.


Angie Bowie was born in Cyprus, 

spent seven years learning manners

in Switzerland, got kicked out

of a private school for meddling

with another girl. She moved

to Kingston in 1967, and then 

she turned into a swan. 


In another universe, Angie Bowie is known 

for playing Wonder Woman and has the best-selling 

DC action figure of all time modelled after her 

scandalous waistline. In our universe, they say

casting turned her down because 

she refused to wear a bra.


When Angie was born, Mars, Venus and Jupiter 

rose in conjunction with the moon,

a once-in-a-millennium celestial bracelet

visible only from Earth. The midwife told 

her mother, “Be careful with this one. 

She’ll have powers beyond her ken.” 


Although more widely known as the Barmaid of 

the Deadrockstar, in Bromley she’s known as 

the Fairy of the Glades, in Cyprus as George 

and Helena’s girl, and in the States 

as the Glitter Goddess of the Sunset Strip.


Angie Bowie wrote the book on Bisexuality,

published by Pocket Essentials in 2002. 

In it, she details the entire history of the preference, 

which was told to her by her great-great-great-

grandmother, an electric eel. Nobody knows 

exactly how eels reproduce. The only fact 

we know for sure about Angie Bowie is this. 


In 2004, scientists discovered a star orbiting Betelgeuse, 

which shone fifteen times brighter than our sun. They named it 

after Angie, the prettiest star. Astronomers believe it 

has already gone supernova, but the light hasn’t reached us yet.


That night, Angie was wearing a pink velvet suit.

That night, a cheetah print all-in-one by Alexander McQueen.

That night, her ex’s leather jacket with DARE ME patched on the back.


Angie spent the final days of the millennium

in the seas around Paphos, trying to grow gills.

“I’m going to breathe water if it’s the death of me,”

she told her girlfriend, who held hands

with the lifeguard nervously on the shore.

After several days, Poseidon rose to say,

“What are you doing here, Angie?

You don’t belong in the water.” 

She replied, “Great King Poseidon,

I came from this place. I don’t know

where I belong, but this is where I want to be.”

He said, “But weren’t you the subject of that

song on Aladdin Sane, you know, The Prettiest 

Star? My brother Zeus knows people in the sky. 

Why don’t you let me call him?” Angie said, 

“I really wish you hadn’t brought that up,”

bit Poseidon’s left arm till it bled blue

and swam up to the surface, looking for a place

that didn’t know the lightning man.


Angie Bowie found out about the death of her first husband 

when she was on Celebrity Big Brother. 

The producers took her off air to deliver the news.

They filmed her reactions in the Diary Room soon after. 

She left the show early due to ill health.


Angie Bowie was a finger beckoning.

Then she was a crown, but all the jewels fell out.

Then she was a pine, shedding in the city.

Then she was a snake, whose fangs wouldn’t reach her tail.

Then she was a carpenter who nobody would hire.

Now, she is the bassline in a messed-up love song.


In 1969, Angie Bowie’s first husband proposed 

down the phone to her by singing this song.

She later said, “We got married 

so I could [get a permit to] work… 

I didn’t think it would last 

and [he] said, before we got married, 

‘I’m not really in love with you,’

and I thought that’s probably a good thing.”


There are many legends about Angie Bowie’s 

first husband, too. I think you might know a few

about the warlocks, the spiders. One lesser-known legend

tells of Sunday afternoons of toast and butter and tea, 

of singing at the piano while his wife and son 

danced around the living room, twinkling.