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Rhymes of the Zodiac

Author: 
Alastair Walker

Capricorn

 

Do not pour scorn

on the wintry Capricorn;

their smiles may be bland,

their jokes may be corny;

but they were born

on a stormy morn;

their thoughts are rand-

y, their horns are horny.

 

Aquarius

(to be spoken with a Glasgow accent)

 

We’re Aquarius.

Ah’m tellin yuh, pal:

beware-eh-us.

 

Pisces

 

You won’t find a whale

at the bottom of a pail,

but you could find a Pisces

on the high seas.

 

Aries

 

It’s ewes’ milk

but Aries’ dairies

 

Taurus

 

All beef, horns and testicles,

making his usual row.

Beef, horns and testicles;

who’d be a bloody cow?

 

Gemini

 

Gem’n’I

are an item.

 

Cancer

 

It was a canker in the apple

It trailed Adam and Eve’s shadows,

picking sideways

at mortality.

 

Leo

 

She was a sprightly jungle nymph,

Ever so pretty and twee-oh;

She went fluttering through the trees

And tripping o’er the lea - oh,

The lea – oh, the lea – oh,

The big nymphiverous Le-o.

 

Virgo

 

If you are awakened by your partner 

in the middle of the night

and told there is a noise downstairs 

and you should go and see,

 

Eleven times out of twelve you’d better do it, 

and that’s not

just because the very thought of it 

will probably make you need a pee.

 

But if your partner’s a Virgo,

Let her go.

 

Libra

 

I have a little  mollusc who so tiny is

he doesn’t even understand what sign he is.

But I know a most sophisticated zebra

Who’s a Libra.

 

Scorpio

 

My God – a scorpion!

Shoot it; or pee on 

it works without fail:

another deadly tale.

 

Sagittarius

 

Some have a beard

That’s never been sheered;

But nobody’s as hairy as 

A big Sagittarius.

 

From Fabric No 4 (November 2002)